ive been talking to a lot of people about love lately. about falling in love and also not. it was nice to hear my mom say she fell in love when she was really young. reassured me that what i felt when i was 14 was genuine. i just wish i could feel that agin. i wasnt in love with my last boyfriend. i liked him and we had fun, but i knew we wouldnt last. it was more of i was just so lonely at that point that i thought having someone kiss me and hold me and call me a sunset would be enough but…here i am, alone again. and i keep telling people that i feel this way and no one seems to get it.i know there are people out there who love me. i know there are people out there in love with me. but im in love with no one…and i miss that feeling most of all.

falling in love feels like light. it feelslike the sun peaking up over the earth. it feels like youre made of warmth and air. it feels like youre dreaming constantly. you stay awake as long as you can because reality is finally bliss. it feels like every part of you is merged into one and at the same time all the parts have expanded out into almost nothingness and you simply exist as this entity made of stardust. and the only direction you know is them. and then they leave and its like suddenly everything collapses in on you. your ribs are caving into your lungs and you cant scream loud enough. its like that light is sucked right out of you but youve become that light so now youre just hollow. and everything about you is broken and shattered and youre trying to look at your compass to find a new direction but it still only points to them.

but despite that, despite the pain that comes afterwards and feeling of loss and devastation, it was worth it. because never again in my life did i wish i was awake instead of asleep.

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